an undefined nature

It’s the funniest thing.

us

the human race

We can not seem to strike a balance between happiness and unhappiness. We never actually seem to have any idea what we want. We talk about how horrible the winter is and we cannot wait until the summer is here, only for us to complain again that summer is too hot and exposes our nice skin to the sun’s rays which may cause cancer.

Furthermore, moreover, on top of that…

We then create the system of politics and economics and education which we absolutely hate and yet for some odd reason we partake in the entire farce. We write endless books and make tons of money from talking about how ”those people” are trying to control our minds through television, radio, technology and other inconsequential things. After we are done disliking man-made systems, we offer scholarships to students who can express very deeply about their undying affection for governance and the media and whatever else we the human race have sworn to hate.

(ON A VERY UNRELATED NOTE: Until recently I though pop-culture was a genre by Lady Gaga, still have no idea what a highway is or what streamlining is.)

ANYWAY: the point I am trying to make is that we need to really think deeply about how deep we are. These shallow conversations and ways of living are absolutely terrible. One should actually make up their mind about whether or not they would like to change, create or ignore the existing and still to exist systems that we have sworn to hate.

It is a horrible thing to go about talking about how : “this life never loved me” when you never loved it to begin with. We have very, very and I mean VERY few things that we can actually control on this earth especially the being born part and the being introduced to life part.

That being said, there is no point of anything at all. Either we are just one big joke that someone is laughing at, or we are some kind aimless experiment meant to prove the difference in the human race. Now that we have cleared that part up, we just need to make choices that we can control and then adjust to the stuff we cannot control. the economy for one, is something we can control, after all we are its creators, we can control other stuff too which I dare not mention because I cant be bothered to think of what it is.

(COMMENT IF YOU DO)

So like the undefined and nature-less creatures we are, I suggest we take the time to form ourselves into something we can proudly define. Aimless or not

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Working through it

SO, it has been two ears since i finished high school and the initial idea was that I would go straight to university, where I would begin my life.

THAT NEVER HAPPENED

WHAT actually happened is that I applied to universities in time but could not afford to go to any of them. I went for an amazing leadership conference in the United States of America; after-which, I sat around at home and decided to enrol in a journalism degree out of boredom. it took me exactly 2 hours and 3 fake toilet breaks to realise that i hated it!

I held on tightly to my private school assumption that my life would turn put great by January, after all my other peers (at least the ones I envied) were all in great countrieS and doing great things. So I waited and prayed and I even applied for a whole bunch of scholarships. NOT EVEN ONE accepted me. I got rejections from every part of the world. LITERALLY. At this point the semester is ending and I am losing faith in the whole waiting thing. Anyway, I got involved with an amazing group of people called Student Run Network, whose work inspired me. I appreciated journalism even though I knew it was not my passion.

BUT!

 This did not stop me from trying to run away. As a matter of fact, I enrolled in a diplomacy class 6 hours away from home only for it to end after 2 weeks. My momma dragged me back to do the second semester which reminded me very solidly that I was actually stuck. I mean, I did not plan on being here,  I did not know (and  still don’t) how to adapt to the situation.

ANYWAY

MY escape plan almost went well but then I did not get a visa from the South African embassy so I spent 60 days in hiding trying not to return home for fear of being sucked back into journalism. My business was virtually crushed and I had no friends and absolutely no plan.

LUCKILY

(JUST KIDDING) I got sucked right back into this life that I have no intention of, but that I am living in anyway. I am unproudly doing journalism but hoping that I will adjust to this seemingly unwavering situation. My hope is that it will all make sense one day. One day I will see the bigger picture.

UNTIL THEN

Stay with me and lets just have faith about everything.

THIS OUGHT TO BE INTERESTING

Lover of life

I’ve loved too many to have a love of my life. The truth is they all were the loves of my different lives. My different chapters. They all speak loudly with the life I led then. So that now when traces of much old life can be seen through my choices, I know it’s no longer love of my life I search for. For that is only seeing through mortal eyes. Rather I seek ernestly for the love of my soul. The bone of my bone, the one who can hurt as deeply as I do and the one I can laugh with. The kind of laughter or pain or peace that courses through your body in the strongest raptures. That is the kind of love I yearn for. To feel my pulse race and slow down because I found who I was meant for. The person who was born just so we can server each other, fiercely, deeply, musically and passionately. My soul on that day will never feel thirsty. For it will be filled. This love can only be found within and with God. It’s the only way I can be pulled together magnetically to him. The person imprinted subconsciously in my heart. My body. My soul. My faith. He is me and I am him.

life needs living. live it

Another day

I haven’t heard from a single university yet. I keep getting updates from my uni of choice but at the moment I can’t afford to go there. I Gosh I didn’t have to live life worrying about money and tuition. It makes me sad that despite how hard my mom has worked for our living and how hard I worked at school we’re moving lower and lower from  the middle class. I keep thinking negatively and trying to speak to myself positively. But it’s hard when everything surrounding you is darkness. Do you know what it’s like to check your E-mail every 3 hours and to hope every morning that something has changed only to sleep with that gut wrenching, heart breaking feeling that another day had been lost and nothing is on the horizon and where the bloody hell is the horizon anyway.  I know that when I go to university I will fighting tooth and nail to put my family in a position where we will never have to waiting like this. Hope like this. I hope we can always pray like this.

life needs living. live it

Me. Consultation

My mind: Stop fighting. Just quit. Let it go. Accept the situation. This is your life now..it’s not what you want but it could be worse.
Me: thinks about it. Almost accepts it but then something reminds me:
Quiet voice on me: Yes it could be worse. But it’s worse if you forget your dreams an who you are. Keep fighting and there will be a breath through. Things a hard right now and there seems to be no way out. But everyday you’re a day closer to the positive. Keep calm. Keep adapting but don’t lose focus.
Me: takes a breather, cries a bit. And remembers that gladiators don’t quit. They stitch up their wounds an live to fight another day.

P.S a battle has been won within. A positive attitude wasn’t easy to maintain but was managed. So to all you future uni kids waiting on the crisis in zim. It’s hard for all of us. Don’t quit. Don’t give up. Sucks right now but it’ll be OK. Stay strong. If not do your best to adapt. If you quit that’s on you. Not the government,  not God, not your family.

life needs living. live it

I realised

I thought to myself each time after a failed relationship “Why me” then one day I woke up and realised that I had been asking the wrong question. I realised every morning after that that I’d learnt to appreciate me for me. I learnt every morning after I stopped asking that question that anyone who doesn’t understand that I am fearfully and wonderfully made is better of without me. I woke up one day and stopped taking hits from people bc I feared to lose them. I realised that day that losing a rotten apple is better than keeping it so it could spoil all the other fruit. What a joyful day it was when I stood butt naked in front of a full length mirror and I smiled because I was alive for another day. I was smiling because I was happy. Not because someone had tried to validate me by saying I’m beautiful but because serious down inside I had peace that this is who I am and this is where I want to be. One day, I cried endlessly because I remembered the pain I once felt but these tears were not of sadness or violence of affliction, rather it was because I’d learnt to get up faster everytime I fell.
#fae_AND_thoughts

life needs living. live it

Standards

So he became the standard by which all guys were judged. It’s not that she was still hooked but the problem was that he was all round everything. All round jerk, all round charming laced with a taint of deception so big it blinded the naiive. So he shattered her heart in to shards and shards. So many little pieces. So hard to put them together again. But when she did. She learnt her lesson once and vowed never to learn it again. Because only foolishness would be a realty of that. That I’d how he became the standard all guys were judged on. Any insults similar to his, any lack of attention, any ounce of disrespect and any excessive out pouring of unrealistic emotions. Yes. She saw the signs and heard the warning bells. She was grateful that his deceit broke her naivety. Nobody would hurt her again like that. She hoped

life needs living. live it

Me. Re-living

I’ve become more honest with myself. I hear the words “put your house in order Cyrus ” from Olivia Pope. These words remind me to put my ducks in a row and to be honest with myself.

A few things I can be honest about would be:
1. I feel lonely sometimes and crave attention and I look for it in the wrong places.
2. I like a boy very much but I don’t know how long these feelings will last. That freaks me out!
3. I want to become a big shot one day, someone very important in people’s lives.
4. I want to let loose and not take life so seriously but I don’t know how to loosen up.
5. I’m not a great listener but I’d like to be.
6. I’m cliptomaniac and I hate that. I would like to have it under control.
7. I really believe I’m ready to start having sex but I don’t want it to be with the wrong person cos I don’t want to get hurt.
8. I’m worried that I won’t go to the university of by choice because we can’t afford it and I’ve no scholarship. So I’m living everyday hoping that God will open a door for me.
9. I’m always worried about what people think of me.
10. I overthink everything and I’m selfish enough to want things to go my way only.
11. Patience isn’t a gift I’m blessed with. It’s. A skill that’s hard to Learn…
12. I’m still dating a boy I want nothing to do with anymore, yet I’ve no guts to tell him.
So here I am bearing my soul out to my word press page being very honest with myself. I think all I want to do is have fun and fall deeply inlove with someone deeply inlove with me . It’s terrible that I want to have it all figured out. I say I don’t believe in marriage but I want to know what it’s like to be bound to someone with a contract and a vow. I have to be honest with the fact that I lack the self control to say no to junk food, no to people. I overcompensate. I carry. I take the burden of other people and carry it as my own. Like if they can’t love me, I’ll for us both. It frustrates me.
What I hate the most, is when someone says be my girl and automatically after saying Yes, I start counting down toward the breakup. I live everyday of that moment working towards the end so I don’t enjoy the journey. But I want to change all that. I wanna love unconditionally, I want to enjoy everyday. I want to taste the sweetness of life, in all it’s forms. I want get up quickly after everything fall, stronger and faster. I don’t want to carry anymore. I want to look out and after myself more.
So many things and yet I have no idea how to do a single one.

life needs living. live it

When I moved on to him I told myself, “sure, he’s a nice guy. Maybe I can do this”. But u wasn’t ready to do “this ”

I thought, I kinda like him, I’ll feel something soon. So I drugged myself with the lyrics of love on the brain, matrimony and needed me. But the truth was I was ready to be with someone again.

I don’t know who I’m meant to be or whatever but I do know I’m not ready to be someone’s girl. Shoot I already cheated in him.

I’ll leave him today. I prayed. I meditated. I calculated. I knew that I wanted neither him nor the guy I cheated with

life needs living. live it

Ronnie my ron

I think I let you go a while ago. 4months with Lionel and 9 with Jordan. I took out my frustrations on them all.

What I think has been hard, is coming to terms with the fact that I promised not to let go of you. I promised that I wouldn’t give on you, but that was before you let me go. With Alana then jasmine. Now I’ve let go, it bothers me to undo promises.

But ron it’s not right for me to keep my head in the clouds, holding on to some stupid dream of getting back together with you. I can’t keep praying to God to shape you for me. I’m moving on now.
For the better part of the year,  I’ve held on to my promise, but you haven’t. I know I hurt you but I think I’ve been punished enough.

I wanna be able to look in the mirror. I want my heart not to ache, everytime I see light, everytime I feel like it’s OK to leave what we had. I won’t hold my breath anymore.

I do admit that I love you but that’s precisely Why I’m moving on bc if you love someone you let them go. This hasn’t been easy for me.

life needs living. live it